There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
