i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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