so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
