i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
