ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
A bitchslap is in order.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
