You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
