shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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