just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
