so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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