I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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