she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
