So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
