So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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