I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
