recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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