Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
