There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
