god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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