I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
