mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
