Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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