He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
