My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
