On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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