News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she smelled like a LAN party
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
