there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Randomize
