I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
