you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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