Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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