Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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