When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Randomize
