Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
