Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
