Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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