32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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