Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
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