someone threw a dead crab at me
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
So much rum. So many feels.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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