I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
