you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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