apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
