dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
