I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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