Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
