Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
