Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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