I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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