There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
