I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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