someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
