Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
