I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Dicks are not precious.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
