Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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